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How to Never Become (or stop being) a Productive Writer:

Procrastinate. Really, you want to catch [insert favorite TV series here] the first time around instead of waiting for Netflix.

  • Read every bad review. Whether it’s for your own book or for an author you admire, whatever you thought was brilliant will quickly be quantified as verbal diarrhea and creative turds. Take it to heart. It only proves that you’re not qualified to judge what’s “good” if it comes up and bites you.

  • When writing a story, never get beyond the first scene. The first scene is the hook, the one part that is so compelling, it makes the reader decide whether or not to read on. So re-write it every time you sit at the computer. Keep tweaking it until its perfect, and agonize over it knowing that it never will be.

  • Never listen to constructive criticism. Show your stories only to people that you know will coddle your fragile ego, because, really, you want reassurance, not the truth.

  • Look at every other author in your genre as a potential enemy. They want your piece of the pie, regardless of how friendly they seem. Make sure you take great pains to badmouth them, every chance you get.

  • If you’re an author, and you get a negative review, make sure you leave inflammatory comments. You want everybody to know just how wrong this person is for not understanding your art!

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